There’s No Medication For This Pain

In one of my many selfish ways, I found a way to love you.

I did. Perhaps I was too late. On one of those days I just felt like I needed a break away from everything, from you.

You, were kind of my everything.

The first person I wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with, the person I knew I only wanted to ring in the New Year with in my arms. 

Even though all my friends and family know I didn’t give two hoots about celebrating the New Year before.

I don’t think you know that. 

How we clutched each others’ pinky fingers in the back of a taxi on the way back to your home. The glance we shared, felt like a silent promise between us.

I think I must have imagined that.

In those moments where I tried to be, just your friend. Just me, trying. I realised how effortlessly it took for me to fall for you. 

Since in the very beginning, I have resisted you, specifically my feelings for you.

When I realised I was in love with you, I didn’t hesitate to let you know. You told me that you loved me too.

So, where did I go wrong? Are you telling your current partner all the good things about me? About how you didn’t deserve me? How much you hurt me?

You probably aren’t. I must be thinking too much. I never did anything good for you.

You don’t reply like you used to. So cold. I remember the voicemail you left me the night I told you to give me up, because I knew someone else was coming into the equation. 

I didn’t want to fuck up your chance of a normal, happy relationship. Something I knew I was incapable of. Something I couldn’t give you. That’s why I knew I could not fight for you.

“Stay strong, when it’s cold.”

Oh but how could I, when your silence is like a blizzard in a snowstorm, leaving the insides frozen to the core.

I can’t.

Because I’m in love with you and you’ll never see this.

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