“I shouldn’t have cared,” she chanted in her mind;
“You should have known the last time you were there.”
“Why do I still go back? For a man as conflicted as that, I know better than to risk the game again.”
“Especially when now, you no longer treat it as a game. You care for him. You genuinely care for him.”
“That’s why I’m scared. I don’t want to feel anything for him. Yet I scare myself into thinking that he needs more than just mindless insults and mockery. I know he fears that. I knew his little weaknesses. Some of he told me, some of I just observed.”
God, why did I listen to him?
“I want to help. But I am just not a sensitive person. I cannot give him what he needs. Things he has given me in abundance yet I could not find the heart in me to give it to him.”
“The easiest way, was to abandon him. I guess I just was that heartless.”
I have not fallen for him. I am simply a friend who sees another sinking beyond ground but is unable to do anything but stare helplessly at the damage done.
My heart, brain & morals still stand divided. And that is why I, am a terrible and disgusting human being. Some days I never want to wake up.
Some days I cherish the life that surrounds me. Beautiful warmth and glow.
I need someone to save me. But I know I’m already ten feet below.
Days when alcohol doesn’t numb anything, and the walls don’t resonate any longer under my knuckles.
“Save me,” she screams; “But never come close.”